Off the Roller-Coaster and Under His Wings

Several years ago I told myself I would never again say, "It couldn't happen to us" and, "It couldn't get worse" ... because it did happen to us and it did get worse.  We were missionaries at the time; and missionary families are not immune to sorrows.

I've come through the shock, the anger, the "what-did-we-do-to-cause-this?" questions, the forgiveness, the "where-have-you-been-God-and-why-did-You-let-this-happen?" questions.  I've come through them, though not entirely unscathed.  There is still a lingering low-lying sadness that can be controlled, that doesn't take over every day - but still there, nonetheless.  There is a loss of energy that can be, I think, attributed to sorrow and adversity (among the other usual reasons).  God can certainly bring good out of painful situations, but life is never the same afterwards.

We continue to cope with family stresses.  Sometimes I feel as if I am on that old roller coaster.  Up. Down. Around the bend. Hang on! It's getting worse.  Look out! We're going down fast! But I don't want to hang on.  I just want off.  Enough.  I want to make all unpleasantness go away.  I want to fix it.  Can't I fix it, God?  How long do I have to stay on this wild ride?  And why?  Why can't everything be like it is "supposed" to be?  Why can't we all be perfect ... and happy ...and kind ...and loving?  Why can't You just intervene, God, and make this happen?

When I read in Psalms I SO understand David.  In Psalm 142, my study notes tell me, David was in a cave praying for deliverance from his enemies.  He'd had enough.  He wanted off of HIS roller coaster.  He was tired.  He was sad.  He didn't want to hang on - he just wanted to let go of it all and have some peace, some rest.

"I pour out my complaint before him: before him I tell my trouble" - Psalm 142:2 NIV

"Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need" - Psalm 142:6 NIV

David yelled "HELP"!  He was tired of trying to avoid his enemies. That took up a lot of energy.  He was full of fear.  Maybe he, too, had learned to never again say  "it couldn't happen to me" or "it couldn't get worse".

"Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need" ... "help me, please!"

I often pray the same things when adversity strikes.  Just when I'm thinking I can let down my guard and relax, when I'm feeling as if maybe God heard my cry after all - WHAM! Something new happens.  But all I want is rest, and peace and to be free of the fears that arise with adversity and sorrow.  I don't want to learn any lessons.  I don't want to know the "whys" of it all.  I just want out of it.  Like David.

A good many years ago, when we still lived in France, I experienced one of those "it-couldn't-get-worse-but-it-did" moments.  I'd had surgery on my nose for what had been thought was a minor problem, a perforated septum. During the surgery the doctor decided it was worse than he'd thought, and ordered a biopsy done.  Later, I left my hospital room to go down to his  office for the biopsy results.  In France the doctors will rarely (at least back then) tell you that you have "cancer", if you do.  Their theory is that patients do not want to hear it, so they will beat all around the bush to explain the problem rather than use, "the" word.

My doctor was no different.  He stared at the ceiling as he told me he had the results back.  My heart pounded and fear rose quickly as I awaited the verdict.  He continued to stare at the ceiling, in silence (really!).  I feared hearing the results but desperately needed to hear them.  Finally, I grasped one of his arms and I used "the" word:  "Is it cancer?"  He nodded and said, "yes".  Wow.  Talk about sorrow, pain, adversity.  And fear.  Shock.

I was allowed to go home for the week-end, but was to check into a larger cancer hospital, in another city, on Sunday evening.  I asked myself some of the same questions then, as I have asked myself at times during the past few years because of family crises. I cried out to God, as David did.  "Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need."  I wanted to "fix" the situation - I wanted off of that roller coaster ride, as it was way too dangerous.  I wanted to forget it all and rest.  I didn't want any more sadness.  Enough already!

I had allowed the fear to so burden me down that I'd lost sight of what our then-sixteen-year-old daughter had seen, in spite of her own fears about her Mom - that the only way "out" was through prayer.  The only way out of the the fear, if not the cancer itself, was through crying out to God, through resting in Him, through trusting Him to handle it. 

Our daughter had written Psalm 34:4 on a small yellow piece of paper (it's still taped into the front of one of my Bibles) and taped it to the top of the tissue box I'd packed for the hospital.

"I sought the Lord and he heard me and delivered me from all my fears" (NIV).

I once again saw God's response to prayer (why do I ever forget?), as I read that verse on my hospital bed at two in the morning.  I was terrified.  And alone.  And God came through, as He always does.  Instantly.  It was one of the few times in my life that I could honestly say God has instantly responded to my prayer.  He just took that fear away.  It was as if He'd literally lifted a huge boulder off of my chest.  I called my husband and told him.  Whether I had cancer, or not, I could cope - since the debilitating, suffocating fear was gone.  Just gone. (By the way, after all the tests, scans and three biopsies were done, the doctors were puzzled, finally deciding I must have been given a wrong diagnosis - with one doctor not ruling out "miracle".)

God brought me through that fearful, stressful time.  He can still do the same for me and my family now.  We can all, with God's help, learn and grow stronger from the sorrows and painful situations we may go through.  God can, and does, bring good out of some pretty bad things.


"If the murder of the perfect Son of God can be explained, how much more can we trust that God is accomplishing His purposes through the adversity we face every day?"  (Charles Stanley, "Victory Over Life's Challenges", 199, Part II, 'How to Handle Adversity', p. 207.)

I don't welcome adversity.  Let's be honest here.  I would definitely like to flee from it when it appears.  However, as we just read from Charles Stanley, I need to trust that God is still in charge, the He is accomplishing His purposes, even if I don't understand His methods.  Even if it hurts.  Even if it's
tiring.  Even if it's sad.

I need to be still, and know that God "is" (Psalm 46:10).  All my stresses, sorrows, angers need to be bundled up and handed over to Him.  That's the way I can build my energy level back up.  That's the way I can not only forgive, but continue loving and helping.  That's the way I stop worrying, stop trying to fix it all myself.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone:  my hope comes from him" (Psalm 62:5  NIV).

Only in God will I find rest from adversity.  I can let go and trust Him to work it out, according to His plans.

Psalm 91:4(a) NIV is such a beautiful picture of finding peace and rest from the trial and adversities of our lives:  "He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge ...".

I am SO ready to snuggle under those wings and be safely covered by those soft, protective feathers.

Care to join me?

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He Waits

"Come to Me",
my Savior said,
"and I will give you rest."

And, yet, I linger.
Tired, worn-out,
rarely at my best.

"Come to Me,"
my Jesus said,
lay down your weary head.

"But I'm too busy,"
I say to Him,
and struggle on instead.

"Come to Me,"
my Redeemer said,
"you will find release."

Then, "yes, my Lord,"
I say to Him,
and find rest, joy and peace."

                -Sandra (Mers) Clayton-



(This was first published in the Christian magazine, "To His Glory" , Spring Issue, 2005)