We hear the words, "the new norm", fairly often anymore; too often, probably. It has become a favored phrase. So, why am I now using it? Well, because it perfectly describes my life for the past few years. My physical life, my body. Which also affects everything else in my life.
"The new norm". The other day I read another magazine article with "The New Norm" as the title. I could have written that article. Almost word for word. The author wrote about fibromyalgia, it's effect on her life,the constant fatigue, the daily pain - her "new normal". Anyone I've ever talked with who suffers with fibromyalgia could have written that article. Again, almost word for word. All "fibro people", nearly all I've talked with, use the very same words to describe life with fibromyalgia.
Fibromyalgia is a "pain in the neck". Literally. And in the arm. And in the leg. And in the face. And...in every part of the body. It hurts. It hurts all the time. Sometimes it hurts less; sometimes it hurts more. Sometimes it hurts for so long at a time, and so badly, that I just sit and cry. The hurting never completely goes away. The pain can lessen or worsen within minutes. One moment my hands are puffy and so painful. As little as five minutes later my hands are "feeling skinny", as I put it. Five, ten minutes later still, they could be swollen and terribly painful again.
Some people call fibromyalgia an invisible disease. When there is no bleeding, no broken bones or other outward signs of an illness there is often doubt from others that anything is "really" wrong. This only adds to the sufferer's suffering. Actually, the "invisible disease" isn't all that invisible, at least for me. I'm finding that my hands, fingers and even my face can look puffy and show pain when I am in a bad flare-up. Coping with my own so-called invisible disease has made me much more patient with and understanding of others with "invisible" diseases (diabetes, lupus, arthritis, etc.). The old "don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes" adage is something we all need to remember.
"Fibro" not only adds daily pain to my life, but during the worst, most painful flare-ups I find myself fighting getting depressed. I fight giving in to it, letting it beat me down for the day (and I often don't win that fight...). I fight the guilt feelings I feel when the pain and exhaustion keep me from getting the house cleaned or when I, the pastor's wife, misses church services, or when I feel as if I'm letting my husband down..."Why would you feel like that?", he asks. "Well, just because I'm not able to 'do' as I used to, as least not as much or as often...", I say. He reassures me. I make the same mistake as I've heard other fibro-people say they do: when the pain and energy level is "better" I try getting everything done that I haven't gotten done during the worst pain, only to collapse again.
The "new norm". I've been angry about my new normal for several years now, since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I've denied it. I didn't, don't, want to accept that I have a new norm in my life. I'm finding, though, that no amount of denying it changes anything - I DO live with a new norm, and have for some time.
"Look to the Lord, and his strength; seek his face always." (Psalm 105:4/NIV Study Bible)
God has promised to be my strength. While I am wasting so much energy denying the new norm of my life, God is quietly waiting for me to turn to Him and accept His strength to help me cope with this change in my life.
Accepting my life's new normal is the way to go. Accepting it won't make the fibro go away, won't make me stop looking for ways to stop the pain or hoping for a cure. Accepting, though, goes a long way towards lowering stress about it. Accepting isn't "giving in" but it reduces my anger about it; I can point the energy used in anger and denial in a more profitable direction.
New norms. We all face new normals of one sort or another, whether from medical problems, aging, changing jobs - any number of reasons. The new norms of our lives are often not welcome changes; we may scream at them, ignore them, deny them. But they stay. Acceptance helps us to get along with our new normals.
Accepting God's strength helps us to accept and work with these changes in our lives. He doesn't promise to eliminate all the bad things in our lives, but He offers us His strength to help us live with our new norms. God is there for us. He waits for us to turn to Him, or turn back to Him if we've turned away in despair
We can accept that our lives have changed, can accept the "new normal", whatever that may be, however hard it may be by accepting God's love and help.
"The writer in Psalms says, "I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge, and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' " (Psalm 91:2/NIV Study Bible)
I want to accept His offer of refuge, His strength. I want to trust Him with my pain, my fatigue, my tears and despair. I want to accept God's promise and hand Him my "new norm". I want to trust Him to help me work with and cope with it. I want to keep trying to rest in His promise to be my refuge and strength, for without it, this "new norm" will defeat me.
So many things to write about - everyday life,gardening, cooking,France,Kansas,family,holidays, church,God,Jesus Christ,Christianity,missions, ministry,abortion, politics, art, music, "Sullivan" our English bulldog,reading .....
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Be Still
Yesterday I was reading a short devotional that had to do with "being still". The Scripture verse it cited was Psalm 46:10(a) - "Be still, and know that I am God ...".
As a grandma now I find it easier and easier to "be still" ... physically, anyway. Some days it seems that's about all I can do - be still. The aches and pains force me to be still. My brain thinks of all kinds of reasons NOT to be still; my body, with its lack of energy, thinks otherwise. The recliner is always there beckoning me to plop down and be still.
There was a time, when our four children were growing up, when I couldn't give in all that often to any aches and pains. Mothers of children-at-home need to keep moving; keep doing. Physically AND mentally. They just have to keep pushing on no matter how they feel. All mothers know this. "Being still" was too often such a huge stretch of the imagination - I couldn't take it seriously. There was no time to "be still". Really, God, could You have been joking?
But as hard as it can be for some to slow down and "be still" physically it is, for me anyway, even harder to "be still" mentally and spiritually. I might well give in to that recliner ... stretch out ... relieving some pain ... be still physically but, once I am there, my mind will more than likely be racing all over the place.
I find it hard to keep my mind "still", to not be thinking constantly of one thing or another. "Be still, and know that I am God", says God. Okay, I hear You but ... could You sort of help me out here? Turn the brain waves down or something? Maybe block out all those "what'll I fix for supper - I've got to call ... I need to take the clothes out of the dryer - gotta finish reading that book - better call the kids, etc." thoughts?
It's so HARD, God, to BE STILL and "know" You. Being still ... having a calm, blank mind seems so simple. It isn't. Is that why You put that in Your Book, God? Because You already knew how we humans would be racing through life in both body AND mind/spirit? You already knew we'd NEED to be reminded to slow down; to be still? Because You knew all along that we busy, busy, busy people would HAVE to be told: "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD ..."?
Certainly in this day and time we need reminded to do just that. "Be still and know that I am God". Yes. Be still. We NEED to be still. We NEED to know that God is God. We NEED to be still and know that God is God and be still so we can hear what He has to tell us.
God knew, and knows, that we NEED to do this. He knows that our "being still" is just as important to us as breathing the air - we NEED it. We NEED to know Him. We NEED to hear Him. We NEED to know where He's leading us.
Though I do find it difficult, my prayer is that I will be able, more and more, to "be still" and know God - know Him better and better and better. How about you?
As a grandma now I find it easier and easier to "be still" ... physically, anyway. Some days it seems that's about all I can do - be still. The aches and pains force me to be still. My brain thinks of all kinds of reasons NOT to be still; my body, with its lack of energy, thinks otherwise. The recliner is always there beckoning me to plop down and be still.
There was a time, when our four children were growing up, when I couldn't give in all that often to any aches and pains. Mothers of children-at-home need to keep moving; keep doing. Physically AND mentally. They just have to keep pushing on no matter how they feel. All mothers know this. "Being still" was too often such a huge stretch of the imagination - I couldn't take it seriously. There was no time to "be still". Really, God, could You have been joking?
But as hard as it can be for some to slow down and "be still" physically it is, for me anyway, even harder to "be still" mentally and spiritually. I might well give in to that recliner ... stretch out ... relieving some pain ... be still physically but, once I am there, my mind will more than likely be racing all over the place.
I find it hard to keep my mind "still", to not be thinking constantly of one thing or another. "Be still, and know that I am God", says God. Okay, I hear You but ... could You sort of help me out here? Turn the brain waves down or something? Maybe block out all those "what'll I fix for supper - I've got to call ... I need to take the clothes out of the dryer - gotta finish reading that book - better call the kids, etc." thoughts?
It's so HARD, God, to BE STILL and "know" You. Being still ... having a calm, blank mind seems so simple. It isn't. Is that why You put that in Your Book, God? Because You already knew how we humans would be racing through life in both body AND mind/spirit? You already knew we'd NEED to be reminded to slow down; to be still? Because You knew all along that we busy, busy, busy people would HAVE to be told: "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD ..."?
Certainly in this day and time we need reminded to do just that. "Be still and know that I am God". Yes. Be still. We NEED to be still. We NEED to know that God is God. We NEED to be still and know that God is God and be still so we can hear what He has to tell us.
God knew, and knows, that we NEED to do this. He knows that our "being still" is just as important to us as breathing the air - we NEED it. We NEED to know Him. We NEED to hear Him. We NEED to know where He's leading us.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Trusting God With Life's Disasters
Life is never certain from one day to the next. Things may be going well one day, everyone well and happy and healthy. The next day, or hour, or moment - disaster. Our family has just had this happen - again.
My husband came home from a nine-day emergency stay in the hospital on July 4th. Though we didn't celebrate the 4th this year with fireworks bursting in the air, our hearts were bursting with gratefulness that he was still with us. I could have lost him a couple of times from heavy bleeding. I never cease thanking God now that my husband was able to get to the hospital and was diagnosed and treated by such wonderful and capable doctors and nurses.
My husband, John, had had colon cancer four years ago, and has had regular colonoscopies ever since. He'd had his last one a week before he entered the hospital, bleeding profusely. He'd never had any bleeding from the colonoscopies before.
Our son and their four kids had been here for several days. The day the bleeding started my husband and son and grandkids were going to another town a couple of hours away to visit Grandma. Before they left my husband told me there had been some blood in the toilet when he went to the bathroom, but said it was probably from the colonoscopy and nothing to worry about so he would go ahead and go.
Mistake.
At noon he called from a restaurant where they'd gone for lunch before visiting Grandma, and told me to call his doctor, as there was a lot of blood when he went to the bathroom. The doctor said, "tell him to come straight to the hospital immediately - go to the lab, where I'll leave instructions ...". Long story, short: he was hemorrhaging so badly and his blood pressure dropping so quickly that he was admitted to the hospital right away. He was about two days in our local hospital, losing lots of blood and having transfusions. Late the afternoon of the second day he was sent by ambulance to a larger hospital in a larger town a half-hour from us.
In the new hospital the surgeon kept hoping for the bleeding to stop on its own . Tests were done to find the reason and location of the bleeding - which was from the areas where two polyps had been removed after the colonoscopy, and from some diverticulosis that was discovered during the colonoscopy. After several days of continual bleeding and transfusions, there was one day of no bleeding; giving everyone hope that surgery would not be needed. My husband was moved from the ICU unit to a regular room. The next day the bleeding started again, and the surgeon then decided he'd have to go ahead with the surgery.
Surgery happened. Colon removed.
The doctor came to tell me the surgery went well - that my husband was in the recovery room. And ... something else had come up during surgery ... "had to take out a small part of the small intestine as there was some hardness there, need to biopsy it for cancer; also had to cut a tiny piece of the liver that had a small nodule on it to send for a cancer biopsy ... will need to wait several days for the results ...". Wow. The colon surgery had been enough to take in; now, two biopsy results to wait on to see if there is cancer.
Thankfully, the biopsies came back early and showed no cancer. Now, we could concentrate on the colon removal and recovery. No colostomy bag was needed, as the small intestine was attached to the rectum. According to the surgeon there are many people living long and happy lives without their colons. God created such amazing bodies!
Minutes before my husband was rolled into surgery I asked him, "Are you still praying?"
"I've never stopped", he replied.
I quietly said, "I'm angry right now with God."
"Why?", my husband asked.
"Because I've been praying this wouldn't happen; that you wouldn't have to have surgery to remove your colon. That you wouldn't have to suffer through surgery again. How come God isn't answering my prayer?"
My pastor-husband looked at me, quiet for a minute, as we held hands, then said, "Sandy, has it occurred to you that He DID (answer my prayer)? We could have been in Haiti or somewhere else (Haiti was mentioned because we've ministered there) where we might not have been able to have the medical care I needed as I lost all that blood? Or, out somewhere where I couldn't have gotten to a hospital ...".
Well, no, it didn't occur to me, as I was honing in on the only way I thought God should be answering my prayer. I simply didn't want my husband to suffer anymore; and I thought I knew what was best.
My husband's answer, though, made me stop and think. God's way is not always MY way. My way may seem so logical from my human viewpoint - but God sees and knows and understands so much more than I can ever hope to this side of heaven. His answer made me think of the old "embroidery illustration": that our lives are like an embroidery-in-progress. We are down below, seeing only the knots, tangles and loose ends of the underside of the embroidery motif. God, though, not only knows of the knots, tangles and loose ends ... but He sees the top. He sees the whole picture. He knows what the finished piece will become.
So, it comes down to trust. Trusting God. I may not completely understand God's way; but I can choose to trust Him. Trust that He cares for my husband and knows what's best for him. Trust that He Cares for me and understands and forgives my anger at Him, my fears.
Trust. Yes. This pastor's-wife has been through the fear/anger thing before. You'd think I'd have learned for sure by now that I can trust God. I could have trusted Him from the beginning of this ordeal and saved myself from some of the stress and worry. I can trust Him now, as He is with my husband through the recovery period. I hope I will remember the following verses, and not let my trust in God waver if, and when, another life-disaster arrives.
Psalm 31:14 (NIV)
"But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.' "
Psalm 30:11 & 12 (NIV)
(11) "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
(12) that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."
My husband came home from a nine-day emergency stay in the hospital on July 4th. Though we didn't celebrate the 4th this year with fireworks bursting in the air, our hearts were bursting with gratefulness that he was still with us. I could have lost him a couple of times from heavy bleeding. I never cease thanking God now that my husband was able to get to the hospital and was diagnosed and treated by such wonderful and capable doctors and nurses.
My husband, John, had had colon cancer four years ago, and has had regular colonoscopies ever since. He'd had his last one a week before he entered the hospital, bleeding profusely. He'd never had any bleeding from the colonoscopies before.
Our son and their four kids had been here for several days. The day the bleeding started my husband and son and grandkids were going to another town a couple of hours away to visit Grandma. Before they left my husband told me there had been some blood in the toilet when he went to the bathroom, but said it was probably from the colonoscopy and nothing to worry about so he would go ahead and go.
Mistake.
At noon he called from a restaurant where they'd gone for lunch before visiting Grandma, and told me to call his doctor, as there was a lot of blood when he went to the bathroom. The doctor said, "tell him to come straight to the hospital immediately - go to the lab, where I'll leave instructions ...". Long story, short: he was hemorrhaging so badly and his blood pressure dropping so quickly that he was admitted to the hospital right away. He was about two days in our local hospital, losing lots of blood and having transfusions. Late the afternoon of the second day he was sent by ambulance to a larger hospital in a larger town a half-hour from us.
In the new hospital the surgeon kept hoping for the bleeding to stop on its own . Tests were done to find the reason and location of the bleeding - which was from the areas where two polyps had been removed after the colonoscopy, and from some diverticulosis that was discovered during the colonoscopy. After several days of continual bleeding and transfusions, there was one day of no bleeding; giving everyone hope that surgery would not be needed. My husband was moved from the ICU unit to a regular room. The next day the bleeding started again, and the surgeon then decided he'd have to go ahead with the surgery.
Surgery happened. Colon removed.
The doctor came to tell me the surgery went well - that my husband was in the recovery room. And ... something else had come up during surgery ... "had to take out a small part of the small intestine as there was some hardness there, need to biopsy it for cancer; also had to cut a tiny piece of the liver that had a small nodule on it to send for a cancer biopsy ... will need to wait several days for the results ...". Wow. The colon surgery had been enough to take in; now, two biopsy results to wait on to see if there is cancer.
Thankfully, the biopsies came back early and showed no cancer. Now, we could concentrate on the colon removal and recovery. No colostomy bag was needed, as the small intestine was attached to the rectum. According to the surgeon there are many people living long and happy lives without their colons. God created such amazing bodies!
Minutes before my husband was rolled into surgery I asked him, "Are you still praying?"
"I've never stopped", he replied.
I quietly said, "I'm angry right now with God."
"Why?", my husband asked.
"Because I've been praying this wouldn't happen; that you wouldn't have to have surgery to remove your colon. That you wouldn't have to suffer through surgery again. How come God isn't answering my prayer?"
My pastor-husband looked at me, quiet for a minute, as we held hands, then said, "Sandy, has it occurred to you that He DID (answer my prayer)? We could have been in Haiti or somewhere else (Haiti was mentioned because we've ministered there) where we might not have been able to have the medical care I needed as I lost all that blood? Or, out somewhere where I couldn't have gotten to a hospital ...".
Well, no, it didn't occur to me, as I was honing in on the only way I thought God should be answering my prayer. I simply didn't want my husband to suffer anymore; and I thought I knew what was best.
My husband's answer, though, made me stop and think. God's way is not always MY way. My way may seem so logical from my human viewpoint - but God sees and knows and understands so much more than I can ever hope to this side of heaven. His answer made me think of the old "embroidery illustration": that our lives are like an embroidery-in-progress. We are down below, seeing only the knots, tangles and loose ends of the underside of the embroidery motif. God, though, not only knows of the knots, tangles and loose ends ... but He sees the top. He sees the whole picture. He knows what the finished piece will become.
So, it comes down to trust. Trusting God. I may not completely understand God's way; but I can choose to trust Him. Trust that He cares for my husband and knows what's best for him. Trust that He Cares for me and understands and forgives my anger at Him, my fears.
Psalm 31:14 (NIV)
"But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.' "
Psalm 30:11 & 12 (NIV)
(11) "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
(12) that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Off the Roller-Coaster and Under His Wings
Several years ago I told myself I would never again say, "It couldn't happen to us" and, "It couldn't get worse" ... because it did happen to us and it did get worse. We were missionaries at the time; and missionary families are not immune to sorrows.
I've come through the shock, the anger, the "what-did-we-do-to-cause-this?" questions, the forgiveness, the "where-have-you-been-God-and-why-did-You-let-this-happen?" questions. I've come through them, though not entirely unscathed. There is still a lingering low-lying sadness that can be controlled, that doesn't take over every day - but still there, nonetheless. There is a loss of energy that can be, I think, attributed to sorrow and adversity (among the other usual reasons). God can certainly bring good out of painful situations, but life is never the same afterwards.
We continue to cope with family stresses. Sometimes I feel as if I am on that old roller coaster. Up. Down. Around the bend. Hang on! It's getting worse. Look out! We're going down fast! But I don't want to hang on. I just want off. Enough. I want to make all unpleasantness go away. I want to fix it. Can't I fix it, God? How long do I have to stay on this wild ride? And why? Why can't everything be like it is "supposed" to be? Why can't we all be perfect ... and happy ...and kind ...and loving? Why can't You just intervene, God, and make this happen?
When I read in Psalms I SO understand David. In Psalm 142, my study notes tell me, David was in a cave praying for deliverance from his enemies. He'd had enough. He wanted off of HIS roller coaster. He was tired. He was sad. He didn't want to hang on - he just wanted to let go of it all and have some peace, some rest.
"I pour out my complaint before him: before him I tell my trouble" - Psalm 142:2 NIV
"Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need" - Psalm 142:6 NIV
David yelled "HELP"! He was tired of trying to avoid his enemies. That took up a lot of energy. He was full of fear. Maybe he, too, had learned to never again say "it couldn't happen to me" or "it couldn't get worse".
"Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need" ... "help me, please!"
I often pray the same things when adversity strikes. Just when I'm thinking I can let down my guard and relax, when I'm feeling as if maybe God heard my cry after all - WHAM! Something new happens. But all I want is rest, and peace and to be free of the fears that arise with adversity and sorrow. I don't want to learn any lessons. I don't want to know the "whys" of it all. I just want out of it. Like David.
A good many years ago, when we still lived in France, I experienced one of those "it-couldn't-get-worse-but-it-did" moments. I'd had surgery on my nose for what had been thought was a minor problem, a perforated septum. During the surgery the doctor decided it was worse than he'd thought, and ordered a biopsy done. Later, I left my hospital room to go down to his office for the biopsy results. In France the doctors will rarely (at least back then) tell you that you have "cancer", if you do. Their theory is that patients do not want to hear it, so they will beat all around the bush to explain the problem rather than use, "the" word.
My doctor was no different. He stared at the ceiling as he told me he had the results back. My heart pounded and fear rose quickly as I awaited the verdict. He continued to stare at the ceiling, in silence (really!). I feared hearing the results but desperately needed to hear them. Finally, I grasped one of his arms and I used "the" word: "Is it cancer?" He nodded and said, "yes". Wow. Talk about sorrow, pain, adversity. And fear. Shock.
I was allowed to go home for the week-end, but was to check into a larger cancer hospital, in another city, on Sunday evening. I asked myself some of the same questions then, as I have asked myself at times during the past few years because of family crises. I cried out to God, as David did. "Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need." I wanted to "fix" the situation - I wanted off of that roller coaster ride, as it was way too dangerous. I wanted to forget it all and rest. I didn't want any more sadness. Enough already!
I had allowed the fear to so burden me down that I'd lost sight of what our then-sixteen-year-old daughter had seen, in spite of her own fears about her Mom - that the only way "out" was through prayer. The only way out of the the fear, if not the cancer itself, was through crying out to God, through resting in Him, through trusting Him to handle it.
Our daughter had written Psalm 34:4 on a small yellow piece of paper (it's still taped into the front of one of my Bibles) and taped it to the top of the tissue box I'd packed for the hospital.
"I sought the Lord and he heard me and delivered me from all my fears" (NIV).
I once again saw God's response to prayer (why do I ever forget?), as I read that verse on my hospital bed at two in the morning. I was terrified. And alone. And God came through, as He always does. Instantly. It was one of the few times in my life that I could honestly say God has instantly responded to my prayer. He just took that fear away. It was as if He'd literally lifted a huge boulder off of my chest. I called my husband and told him. Whether I had cancer, or not, I could cope - since the debilitating, suffocating fear was gone. Just gone. (By the way, after all the tests, scans and three biopsies were done, the doctors were puzzled, finally deciding I must have been given a wrong diagnosis - with one doctor not ruling out "miracle".)
God brought me through that fearful, stressful time. He can still do the same for me and my family now. We can all, with God's help, learn and grow stronger from the sorrows and painful situations we may go through. God can, and does, bring good out of some pretty bad things.
"If the murder of the perfect Son of God can be explained, how much more can we trust that God is accomplishing His purposes through the adversity we face every day?" (Charles Stanley, "Victory Over Life's Challenges", 199, Part II, 'How to Handle Adversity', p. 207.)
I don't welcome adversity. Let's be honest here. I would definitely like to flee from it when it appears. However, as we just read from Charles Stanley, I need to trust that God is still in charge, the He is accomplishing His purposes, even if I don't understand His methods. Even if it hurts. Even if it's
tiring. Even if it's sad.
I need to be still, and know that God "is" (Psalm 46:10). All my stresses, sorrows, angers need to be bundled up and handed over to Him. That's the way I can build my energy level back up. That's the way I can not only forgive, but continue loving and helping. That's the way I stop worrying, stop trying to fix it all myself.
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone: my hope comes from him" (Psalm 62:5 NIV).
Only in God will I find rest from adversity. I can let go and trust Him to work it out, according to His plans.
Psalm 91:4(a) NIV is such a beautiful picture of finding peace and rest from the trial and adversities of our lives: "He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge ...".
I am SO ready to snuggle under those wings and be safely covered by those soft, protective feathers.
Care to join me?
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He Waits
"Come to Me",
my Savior said,
"and I will give you rest."
And, yet, I linger.
Tired, worn-out,
rarely at my best.
"Come to Me,"
my Jesus said,
lay down your weary head.
"But I'm too busy,"
I say to Him,
and struggle on instead.
"Come to Me,"
my Redeemer said,
"you will find release."
Then, "yes, my Lord,"
I say to Him,
and find rest, joy and peace."
-Sandra (Mers) Clayton-
(This was first published in the Christian magazine, "To His Glory" , Spring Issue, 2005)
I've come through the shock, the anger, the "what-did-we-do-to-cause-this?" questions, the forgiveness, the "where-have-you-been-God-and-why-did-You-let-this-happen?" questions. I've come through them, though not entirely unscathed. There is still a lingering low-lying sadness that can be controlled, that doesn't take over every day - but still there, nonetheless. There is a loss of energy that can be, I think, attributed to sorrow and adversity (among the other usual reasons). God can certainly bring good out of painful situations, but life is never the same afterwards.
We continue to cope with family stresses. Sometimes I feel as if I am on that old roller coaster. Up. Down. Around the bend. Hang on! It's getting worse. Look out! We're going down fast! But I don't want to hang on. I just want off. Enough. I want to make all unpleasantness go away. I want to fix it. Can't I fix it, God? How long do I have to stay on this wild ride? And why? Why can't everything be like it is "supposed" to be? Why can't we all be perfect ... and happy ...and kind ...and loving? Why can't You just intervene, God, and make this happen?
When I read in Psalms I SO understand David. In Psalm 142, my study notes tell me, David was in a cave praying for deliverance from his enemies. He'd had enough. He wanted off of HIS roller coaster. He was tired. He was sad. He didn't want to hang on - he just wanted to let go of it all and have some peace, some rest.
"I pour out my complaint before him: before him I tell my trouble" - Psalm 142:2 NIV
"Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need" - Psalm 142:6 NIV
David yelled "HELP"! He was tired of trying to avoid his enemies. That took up a lot of energy. He was full of fear. Maybe he, too, had learned to never again say "it couldn't happen to me" or "it couldn't get worse".
"Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need" ... "help me, please!"
I often pray the same things when adversity strikes. Just when I'm thinking I can let down my guard and relax, when I'm feeling as if maybe God heard my cry after all - WHAM! Something new happens. But all I want is rest, and peace and to be free of the fears that arise with adversity and sorrow. I don't want to learn any lessons. I don't want to know the "whys" of it all. I just want out of it. Like David.
A good many years ago, when we still lived in France, I experienced one of those "it-couldn't-get-worse-but-it-did" moments. I'd had surgery on my nose for what had been thought was a minor problem, a perforated septum. During the surgery the doctor decided it was worse than he'd thought, and ordered a biopsy done. Later, I left my hospital room to go down to his office for the biopsy results. In France the doctors will rarely (at least back then) tell you that you have "cancer", if you do. Their theory is that patients do not want to hear it, so they will beat all around the bush to explain the problem rather than use, "the" word.
My doctor was no different. He stared at the ceiling as he told me he had the results back. My heart pounded and fear rose quickly as I awaited the verdict. He continued to stare at the ceiling, in silence (really!). I feared hearing the results but desperately needed to hear them. Finally, I grasped one of his arms and I used "the" word: "Is it cancer?" He nodded and said, "yes". Wow. Talk about sorrow, pain, adversity. And fear. Shock.
I was allowed to go home for the week-end, but was to check into a larger cancer hospital, in another city, on Sunday evening. I asked myself some of the same questions then, as I have asked myself at times during the past few years because of family crises. I cried out to God, as David did. "Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need." I wanted to "fix" the situation - I wanted off of that roller coaster ride, as it was way too dangerous. I wanted to forget it all and rest. I didn't want any more sadness. Enough already!
I had allowed the fear to so burden me down that I'd lost sight of what our then-sixteen-year-old daughter had seen, in spite of her own fears about her Mom - that the only way "out" was through prayer. The only way out of the the fear, if not the cancer itself, was through crying out to God, through resting in Him, through trusting Him to handle it.
Our daughter had written Psalm 34:4 on a small yellow piece of paper (it's still taped into the front of one of my Bibles) and taped it to the top of the tissue box I'd packed for the hospital.
"I sought the Lord and he heard me and delivered me from all my fears" (NIV).
I once again saw God's response to prayer (why do I ever forget?), as I read that verse on my hospital bed at two in the morning. I was terrified. And alone. And God came through, as He always does. Instantly. It was one of the few times in my life that I could honestly say God has instantly responded to my prayer. He just took that fear away. It was as if He'd literally lifted a huge boulder off of my chest. I called my husband and told him. Whether I had cancer, or not, I could cope - since the debilitating, suffocating fear was gone. Just gone. (By the way, after all the tests, scans and three biopsies were done, the doctors were puzzled, finally deciding I must have been given a wrong diagnosis - with one doctor not ruling out "miracle".)
God brought me through that fearful, stressful time. He can still do the same for me and my family now. We can all, with God's help, learn and grow stronger from the sorrows and painful situations we may go through. God can, and does, bring good out of some pretty bad things.
"If the murder of the perfect Son of God can be explained, how much more can we trust that God is accomplishing His purposes through the adversity we face every day?" (Charles Stanley, "Victory Over Life's Challenges", 199, Part II, 'How to Handle Adversity', p. 207.)
I don't welcome adversity. Let's be honest here. I would definitely like to flee from it when it appears. However, as we just read from Charles Stanley, I need to trust that God is still in charge, the He is accomplishing His purposes, even if I don't understand His methods. Even if it hurts. Even if it's
tiring. Even if it's sad.
I need to be still, and know that God "is" (Psalm 46:10). All my stresses, sorrows, angers need to be bundled up and handed over to Him. That's the way I can build my energy level back up. That's the way I can not only forgive, but continue loving and helping. That's the way I stop worrying, stop trying to fix it all myself.
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone: my hope comes from him" (Psalm 62:5 NIV).
Only in God will I find rest from adversity. I can let go and trust Him to work it out, according to His plans.
Psalm 91:4(a) NIV is such a beautiful picture of finding peace and rest from the trial and adversities of our lives: "He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge ...".
I am SO ready to snuggle under those wings and be safely covered by those soft, protective feathers.
Care to join me?
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
He Waits
"Come to Me",
my Savior said,
"and I will give you rest."
And, yet, I linger.
Tired, worn-out,
rarely at my best.
"Come to Me,"
my Jesus said,
lay down your weary head.
"But I'm too busy,"
I say to Him,
and struggle on instead.
"Come to Me,"
my Redeemer said,
"you will find release."
Then, "yes, my Lord,"
I say to Him,
and find rest, joy and peace."
-Sandra (Mers) Clayton-
(This was first published in the Christian magazine, "To His Glory" , Spring Issue, 2005)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Faith
In the middle
of the darkness,
in the middle
of despair,
I cling to the knowledge
that God is still there.
When the fires
fall upon me,
when the waters
race and flood,
God keeps me from burning,
He pulls me from the mud.
His strong arms,
they hold me,
and He does not
let me go.
In the middle of life's sadness,
He allows my faith to grow.
-Sandra Clayton-
of the darkness,
in the middle
of despair,
I cling to the knowledge
that God is still there.
When the fires
fall upon me,
when the waters
race and flood,
God keeps me from burning,
He pulls me from the mud.
His strong arms,
they hold me,
and He does not
let me go.
In the middle of life's sadness,
He allows my faith to grow.
-Sandra Clayton-
Parents And Prodigals
I am sad for you
so sad for you
you run and hide
yourself from whom?
we made you from our love
our very selves became you
and we know you more
much more than
you think we do
though you wound us
with words and care not
that we bleed
we open our arms
to you and your need
are you in sin?
are you afraid?
do you attempt to hide
yourself from you?
do you hear God?
do you know that He's there?
with His arms open wide
your burdens to share?
the tears that He sheds
mingle with ours
to form a dark river
of unending sorrows
yet He extends forever to you
a bridge of forgiveness
your life to renew
that bridge
is sturdy
and strong
and sure
the way back to Him
the way to the cure
-Sandra Clayton-
so sad for you
you run and hide
yourself from whom?
we made you from our love
our very selves became you
and we know you more
much more than
you think we do
though you wound us
with words and care not
that we bleed
we open our arms
to you and your need
are you in sin?
are you afraid?
do you attempt to hide
yourself from you?
do you hear God?
do you know that He's there?
with His arms open wide
your burdens to share?
the tears that He sheds
mingle with ours
to form a dark river
of unending sorrows
yet He extends forever to you
a bridge of forgiveness
your life to renew
that bridge
is sturdy
and strong
and sure
the way back to Him
the way to the cure
-Sandra Clayton-
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Rainbows Over Suffering
"By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion." (the Bible / Psalm 137:1 / NIV)
David, of the Psalms, wrote this ... though for a different reason, I, too, am "sitting by the rivers of Babylon, weeping and remembering". Weeping for friends who are sad, frightened and suffering at the moment: cancer, death, waiting a diagnosis, etc. Praying that God will heal, will comfort. Praying that He will, indeed, stretch that rainbow over each of their lives, as well as over the lives of their friends and families who are right there for them. I sit by the waters of Babylon and wish there was no suffering. For them. For me.
I've been reading a book by Philip Yancey,Prayer, Does It Make Any Difference?, reading today from chapter 15, "The Sound Of Silence".
"At that moment I needed prayer as much as I needed air
to draw my breath or oxygen to fill my blood ....
A void was behind me. And in front a wall, a wall of darkness."
-Georges Bernanos-
That's about how I feel right now; my friends, who are in the midst of their suffering, even more so. Prayers have been going up, right and left, from so many, from so many countries .. yet, we see that some of those prayers will not be answered as we wished them to be. One friend's breast cancer will STAY breast cancer. Why, God? A young couple's child may, right at this moment, be dying. Is THAT an answer to ALL THOSE PRAYERS, God????? The parents are feeling strongly that "void" behind them - and that "wall of darkness" in front of them. They SO need to see that rainbow. Oh, God, please paint it over their heads right now at this very moment. Pierce that wall of darkness with the peaceful beauty of the rainbow. Let them feel Your presence with them, even as their hearts are breaking - REALLY feel Your presence!
"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therfore we will not fear,
though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into
the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake
with their surging." (the Bible / Psalm 46:1-3 /NIV)
We DO, of course, fear; we DO experience the pain and sadness of suffering. You DO understand that, God. After all, You created us - with our human feelings and emotions. David felt those same fears, pains, sufferings. Yet, he also knew You were there - even when he was feeling the doubts; beneath it all he KNEW You were there for him. I'm praying right now that, even if I am angry, sad, not understanding about the WHY of the things happening to my friends that I, too, as well as my suffering friends, will also remember, as did David, that You ARE there for us. You DO understand. You stand ready with Your arms wide open to receive us, to comfort us as we struggle through the "roaring and foaming" waters; as we dodge those cracks in the earth and the falling mountains. Show them the rainbow, God! Let them see again the promise that You are with them, that You do understand their pain and heartache.
In his book, Philip Yancey speaks of how we often want those "happy endings". Oh, do we ever! A grief pastor of a church in Colorado is quoted: "Evangelicals tend to want to get to the happy ending. Sometimes there is no happy ending, and we're simply suspended in grief. When I'm with suffering people, I feel like a deep-sea diver accompanying them into the depths. Come up too fast, and you'll dangerously decompress. We need to stay with the grief for a while, feel it, let it out. Maybe we can see things through tears that we can't see dry-eyed."
Yancey adds: "Not only does God tolerate complaint in our prayers, the Scriptures fill in the words for us. Eugene Peterson calculates that two-thirds of the psalms qualify as laments. The Bible does not rush to a happy ending."
There are happy endings. And there are not. I am praying for the happy endings. I will not completely understand WHY, if there are not happy endings. When I am too sad or angry or whatever to continue praying for the happy endings, I will rely on the Scriptures, the Holy Spirit, to "fill in the words for me". I will make the clear decision to "stay" with God; to turn, once again, into His waiting arms for comfort. To put the burden of not understanding/agreeing with how God chooses to handle my prayers into His hands.
God, show me the rainbow over all the suffering. Most importantly of all, Lord, make that rainbow bright and shiny and beautiful over the hearts of my friends who are in the midst of the suffering. Let them see it as the promise that You ARE with them; You ARE with their loved ones; You DO understand and feel their suffering - the promise that You will never leave them alone in their storms.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Change
Life is full of changes, isn't it? Some changes are fun, some silly, some necessary - and some are just downright scary.
We had a weather-change recently; not unusual here in Kansas, I guess. After some days of beautiful Spring weather - here came a left-over of Winter ... more cold and a light snow. But it was a "fun" change (to me, anyway), 'cause I do like snow, and I got to burn more wood in the wood stove. Plus, I KNEW Spring would be returning. March is like that pretty much everywhere: one day sunny and pastel - the next cool-blue and white again. Right now we are back to the "sunny and pastel", with the daffodils and hyacinths blooming and the trees getting ready to green up. My husband, who's been itching for quite awhile to jump into the gardening season, DID. He's planted some lettuce, radishes, onions. I even got into the gardening and planted the cute little pansies he brought home the other day.
Yes. Change. Seasons change. I welcome the seasonal changes. Each new one makes me appreciate the last one AND the one-to-come even more. With each new season I really DO find myself saying, "Thank You, God! Thank You so much!"
"You make me glad by your deeds, O Lord; I sing for joy at the works of your hands. How great are your works, O Lord, how profound your thoughts!" (Psalm 92:4-5 / NIV version)
Then this week I've seen one of the "scarier" changes. Disappointing, anyway. Have to say it's a change that makes me angry. Makes a LOT of people angry ... we "American People", as "they" say. (Now........aren't THEY "American People", too? Shouldn't "they" be saying "WE, the American people..."?) Anyway, the passing of the health care bill is a big change, for sure. And a rather slap-in-the-face change - from all I'm reading, since the majority of "the American people" are STILL against the bill and have been going to many lengths to let our President and his Administration know it. But our President and his Administration don't seem to CARE what WE, the "American people" think. (It's not so much that the actual bill passed, though there are many problems with the bill; health care definitely needs changes ... but most of the people who passed THIS health care bill don't even know themselves all that is in it.) It's that the President just plain doesn't care what the people he is supposed to be SERVING thinks! Those opposing him are so often labeled bigots, uneducated, racists, intolerant. He doesn't seem too partisan about it, either - he doesn't seem to care what his OWN party-members who oppose the health care bill think. Just today I heard him on t.v. rather gloating (as Madame Pelosi has also been doing) about the "win" and ridiculing those who opposed and lost. Like a kid thumbing his nose at the "loser" and laughing. Not too "Presidential" if you ask me. But, he's given us the CHANGE he'd promised in his campaign speeches, and seems encouraged to go ahead and give us MORE of the changes he's promised. Well, I'm just hoping that we who oppose this bill for many reasons, have the guts to pass around some changes of our own when the next elections come up!
I seriously pray, "Lord, have mercy. Spare us more of these 'changes'!" And I pray for wisdom for "me-and-the-rest-of-the-American-People", and for our leaders. Wisdom is always needed - needed by the leaders of a country and needed by the rest of the citizens of the country. We ALL need wisdom to know which changes to incorporate and which to oppose...and, if opposition is needed, wisdom to know HOW to oppose.
And God promises to give us that wisdom if we ask - if we want it:
"The Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding." (Proverbs 2:6/NIV)
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all." (James 1:5/NIV)
So, God - I AM asking ... and I HOPE everyone else is, too!
We had a weather-change recently; not unusual here in Kansas, I guess. After some days of beautiful Spring weather - here came a left-over of Winter ... more cold and a light snow. But it was a "fun" change (to me, anyway), 'cause I do like snow, and I got to burn more wood in the wood stove. Plus, I KNEW Spring would be returning. March is like that pretty much everywhere: one day sunny and pastel - the next cool-blue and white again. Right now we are back to the "sunny and pastel", with the daffodils and hyacinths blooming and the trees getting ready to green up. My husband, who's been itching for quite awhile to jump into the gardening season, DID. He's planted some lettuce, radishes, onions. I even got into the gardening and planted the cute little pansies he brought home the other day.
Yes. Change. Seasons change. I welcome the seasonal changes. Each new one makes me appreciate the last one AND the one-to-come even more. With each new season I really DO find myself saying, "Thank You, God! Thank You so much!"
"You make me glad by your deeds, O Lord; I sing for joy at the works of your hands. How great are your works, O Lord, how profound your thoughts!" (Psalm 92:4-5 / NIV version)
Then this week I've seen one of the "scarier" changes. Disappointing, anyway. Have to say it's a change that makes me angry. Makes a LOT of people angry ... we "American People", as "they" say. (Now........aren't THEY "American People", too? Shouldn't "they" be saying "WE, the American people..."?) Anyway, the passing of the health care bill is a big change, for sure. And a rather slap-in-the-face change - from all I'm reading, since the majority of "the American people" are STILL against the bill and have been going to many lengths to let our President and his Administration know it. But our President and his Administration don't seem to CARE what WE, the "American people" think. (It's not so much that the actual bill passed, though there are many problems with the bill; health care definitely needs changes ... but most of the people who passed THIS health care bill don't even know themselves all that is in it.) It's that the President just plain doesn't care what the people he is supposed to be SERVING thinks! Those opposing him are so often labeled bigots, uneducated, racists, intolerant. He doesn't seem too partisan about it, either - he doesn't seem to care what his OWN party-members who oppose the health care bill think. Just today I heard him on t.v. rather gloating (as Madame Pelosi has also been doing) about the "win" and ridiculing those who opposed and lost. Like a kid thumbing his nose at the "loser" and laughing. Not too "Presidential" if you ask me. But, he's given us the CHANGE he'd promised in his campaign speeches, and seems encouraged to go ahead and give us MORE of the changes he's promised. Well, I'm just hoping that we who oppose this bill for many reasons, have the guts to pass around some changes of our own when the next elections come up!
I seriously pray, "Lord, have mercy. Spare us more of these 'changes'!" And I pray for wisdom for "me-and-the-rest-of-the-American-People", and for our leaders. Wisdom is always needed - needed by the leaders of a country and needed by the rest of the citizens of the country. We ALL need wisdom to know which changes to incorporate and which to oppose...and, if opposition is needed, wisdom to know HOW to oppose.
And God promises to give us that wisdom if we ask - if we want it:
"The Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding." (Proverbs 2:6/NIV)
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all." (James 1:5/NIV)
So, God - I AM asking ... and I HOPE everyone else is, too!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Beautiful Kansas day ...............
Helloooooooooooooo, everybody! So nice to be back blogging again. I'm sure there is a way to get back on my previous blog (if anyone can help.......), but I've been trying it all; even trying to contact Google, but never got any responses. Finally gave up and just put up a new blog site - so, here I am again. :)
It is an absolutely GORGEOUS Kansas day again. SURELY Spring is just around the corner. The sun is brightly shining, birds are singing and it's warm out. Hooray! Yesterday was the same - and I spent my first end-of-winter afternoon out in the backyard - on the swing mostly, mending a couple pair of grandson's pants and then reading and drinking tea. Our English bulldog, Sullivan, also enjoyed the beautiful afternoon in the sun.
Can't write a LOT right now, as I'm "on my way out the door", soon's I get off of here. Having lunch with a friend. We both need the "time out" - and what a great day for it.
I leave with this Scripture verse that is PERFECT for today:
"The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows His handiwork." (Psalm 19:1)
It is an absolutely GORGEOUS Kansas day again. SURELY Spring is just around the corner. The sun is brightly shining, birds are singing and it's warm out. Hooray! Yesterday was the same - and I spent my first end-of-winter afternoon out in the backyard - on the swing mostly, mending a couple pair of grandson's pants and then reading and drinking tea. Our English bulldog, Sullivan, also enjoyed the beautiful afternoon in the sun.
Can't write a LOT right now, as I'm "on my way out the door", soon's I get off of here. Having lunch with a friend. We both need the "time out" - and what a great day for it.
I leave with this Scripture verse that is PERFECT for today:
"The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows His handiwork." (Psalm 19:1)
C. S. Lewis quote..............
"If the universe is not governed by an absolute goodness, than all our efforts are in the long run hopeless. But if it is, then we are making ourselves enemies to that goodness every day."
(from Lewis' book: Mere Christianity)
(from Lewis' book: Mere Christianity)
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